Thanksgiving Travel, Family Chaos & Black Friday Perils:
Grip your knife, grab your invisibility cloak, and sharpen those wits for the challenges ahead this week.
Let’s be honest: Thanksgiving sounds wholesome. Warm kitchens. Cozy sweaters. A table full of people you love (or tolerate once a year). Pumpkin pie that defies the laws of physics. There goes the diet.
But for most Americans, Thanksgiving is actually a full-contact emotional sport… with Black Friday acting as the overtime round nobody wanted. Or prepared for.
It’s war. Let’s take a lesson from Kevin McAllister and devise a war plan.
Travel: The First Boss Battle
Every year, more than 55 million people hit the road or airports for Thanksgiving. That’s not “holiday cheer.” That’s migration season for stressed humans in a rush compounded by travel delays and urgent family texts asking where you are.
Here’s what “holiday travel stress” actually looks like:
- You leave your house with good intentions.
- You hit traffic before you leave the driveway.
- Google Maps starts suggesting “faster routes” that take you through abandoned cornfields and industrial parks that were featured in horror movies and true crime podcasts.
- Your toddler asks, “Are we there yet?” before your house disappears in the rearview.
- TSA lines move slower than your phone downloads on 3G.
By the time you arrive, you understand why people in the old Western movies looked so tired. The Oregon Trail is feeling relatable right about now. And your older bladder is screaming for relief while your aching back is dreading yet another long line for the restroom.
Family Time: The Thanksgiving Hunger Games
Here’s the thing about family: We love them… but sometimes they make us question every life choice we’ve ever made. And you suddenly realize what you’re most thankful for…Thanksgiving comes but once a year.
It’s the one holiday a year where:
- You’re guaranteed to sit next to someone who whispers, “You’ve gained weight,” while handing you mashed potatoes.
- Your aunt insists she “just wants to ask one question” that turns into a 45-minute TED Talk about your job, your dating life, your financial status, your biological clock, and your haircut.
- Cousin Tommy tries to explain cryptocurrency again. IT guys. Ugh.
- Someone always brings a side dish that looks suspiciously like it was made at 6 a.m., in a state of panic, and may not have all the ingredients or be fully cooked.
And then there’s the annual moment we all know is coming:
“Who wants to go around the table and say what they’re thankful for?”
Nobody. Literally nobody wants to go first. Like, in the history of the world, no one. Crickets. The Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving table avoided eye contact like those around your table, silently praying for someone to cough or sneeze, breaking the stalemate and suffering as the first victim to speak. But we do it anyway, because this is family… and therapy is expensive (but it’s looking better every day).
Black Friday: Fight to the Death
Just when you think you’ve survived the worst, Black Friday enters the ring.
It used to be simple: show up at 5 a.m., get a toaster for $9, and go home.
Now? It’s Mad Max: Retail Edition. No rules, no limits, just a bloodbath to the finish line.
The dangers are real:
Physical Dangers
People have been injured—yes, literally injured—trying to get half-priced TVs, air fryers, or whatever trending gadget promises a better life. Hospitals prep for the third most dangerous day of the year (after July 4th and Halloween).
- Stampedes
- Fights
- Shoving matches over air purifiers and gaming consoles
- Grown adults diving into bins like Olympic athletes (ignorant that they’re past their prime)
If you’ve ever seen someone elbow their way to discounted Apple products, you know humanity is capable of terrifying things. In split-second moments.
There’s no time to think. This is pure retail carnage, a full-contact sport, no time-outs.
Financial Dangers
Black Friday is designed to trick your brain into thinking:
“YES, I do need a fourth TV.” “YES, this subscription box will change my life.” “YES, $700 worth of stuff is basically free because I saved $240.”
It’s the one day when the phrase “But it was on sale!” justifies absolute chaos. No judgment.
Emotional Dangers
You go out hunting for deals. You return home questioning society as a whole. And pray you have all your fingers still attached.
So… How Do You Actually Survive Thanksgiving Week?
Here’s the good news: You can get through it without losing your sanity, your wallet, or your faith in humanity (well, two out of three ain’t bad).
1. Lower your expectations
Assume everything will take twice as long and cost twice as much emotional energy. Take no prisoners, feel no regret.
2. Don’t argue with family
You won’t win. Nobody wins. These people aren’t reasonable. They believe in false gods and have lost the ability to see reality.
3. Protect your wallet on Black Friday
If you didn’t need it Wednesday, you probably don’t need it Friday. The passing of the turkey changed nothing. Hold tight to that sanity (it slips through your fingers like a lightsaber through Obi-Wan).
4. Shop online when possible – SAFELY
If the deal requires body armor, it’s not worth it. But don’t drop your defenses just because you’re sitting in your underwear armed with coffee and holiday movies on the big screen – cyber criminals are in full tactical assault, capitalizing on your weakened emotional state and awareness during the holiday madness.
5. Remind yourself why you’re doing it
Thanksgiving isn’t perfect. But it’s one of the few times of year we pause, gather, laugh, eat too much (ok maybe that happens more than often than we’d like to admit), and remember the people who make our lives meaningful—even if they drive us insane once a year.
The Key To Your Survival
Thanksgiving travel will drain you. Family gatherings will test every fiber of your resilience. And Black Friday will attempt to devour your soul (and your bank account).
But… It’s also a week full of stories, memories, ridiculous moments, and reminders of what really matters. Homemade pie and sweet potato casserole. And wine, lots of wine.
So breathe deep, pack snacks, protect your credit card, and enjoy the chaos. You’ll laugh about it later—probably around Christmas, when it all happens again. With the same insufferable people, the same shopping madness, and the same long lines and delays for everything.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all, a safe shopping holiday!
